“Unsure of the balance held I touch my belly, overwhelmed by what I had been chosen to perform”.
-Lauryn Hill
As I listen to Lauryn Hill serenade me about her parable of entering motherhood, I recall sharing the same sentiments. I’m sure, as a woman who has carried a child, you too, remember the moments immediately following finding out you were going to be a mom. I know I do!
I was 14, afraid and unaware. So naive to the fact that I didn’t even realize I was pregnant at first. I thought I had food poisoning or one too many drinks the night before (silly me). Once I was able to wrap my mind around what was happening, I knew I had an extremely hard decision to make about my future.
For the first time, words like abortion and adoption were repetitive thoughts in my mental. Until this moment, my hardest decision was what to wear to school or what I wanted for dinner (according to social media, asking a female what she wants to eat is asking her to make a paramount decision lol). But now, this decision was different. The fate of my future was in my hand or so I foolishly thought. Constant questions of what I was going to do coupled with suggestions about what I should do from family and close friends lingered in my head day and after day; night after night.
Aware of the questions, concerns, and ridicule that I would receive from spectators and even those closest to me, I decided to keep my child (little did I realize then, God made this decision for me a long time ago). I pursued my pregnancy with every human emotion you could think of...fear, happiness, sadness, anxiousness, more fear; but also joy. I have learned that unlike happiness which can be fleeting based on the circumstance, joy is a deep-rooted feeling in one’s heart that is not easily diminished.
The fact that God had chosen little ole me to become this little boy’s mom, while still being a child myself, was terrifying yet humbling. It meant that He saw something in me that I had not quite tapped into yet. 20+ years of life, over a decade of marriage, and two more children later, I’m still just beginning to develop a deeper understanding of what God has called me to be.
These days I have a more Beyonce Diva-like mentality when it comes to this motherhood thing. Y’all know the line…“Since 15 in my stilettos, been struttin’ in this game. ‘What’s yo age?’ was the question they ask when I hit the stage”. I stopped wearing my teen pregnancy as a scarlet letter a long time ago but instead a badge of honor. I’ve grown from that fearful 15-year-old girl to a woman who truly understands that with God at the forefront of my life, I can truly do anything but fail. Motherhood is a monumental part of who I am but not my sole contribution to this world.
I also now know that my journey is just beginning. A journey that I hope to share to let women, young and old, know that they are not alone in this world and to encourage them to tap into their calling, whatever that may be.
-M.T.
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